The lead article in the Star- Ledger on Sunday spoke of how coaches are fearful that the new legislation regarding player/ coaching behavior my be an inroad for parents to get at coaches for various reasons, most probably playing time. My concern with my coaching class is that they’re afraid to enter the profession because of what they’ve heard, and seen ,about over-involved parents. My firm belief is we, coaches, ADs etc. need to change the narrative and regain control over parents. At the museum, we’re going to begin Seminars For Parents this spring. Until then, I hope to get the word out to parents that they’re spoiling their kids’ athletic experience through their actions.
Moms and Dads Swept up in a “Not so Amazing Race’’
“What does your kid want?” is always my first question to a
parent. That’s exactly what I said to a woman who called me after my
op-ed, “ Parents in the Bleachers, Bite Your Lip,” appeared in the
Star-Ledger. She identified herself as a writer, married to a
journalist, and the mother of a seven year old daughter who has recently
entered the world of youth sports.
She prefaced her questions saying that she and her husband were
definitely not those over the top parents who micromanage their
daughter’s life. She sounded frazzled; her tale quickly struck a
familiar chord.
New to the town, and the local sports scene, she was hoping her
daughter could have fun while learning soccer in a recreational league.
Unfortunately, she was informed that the rec program had been dropped
because parents were more interested in a “competitive experience” for
their future Mia Hamms. She also learned that while all of the parents
were vocal in their support for a travel team, none were willing to
serve as a coach. “Before I knew it, my husband and I were sucked into
coaching the team. What a disaster that turned out to be!
“The kids were great, but the parents were ridiculous. They
constantly screamed instructions from the sidelines, abused the
referees, many of whom were high school age, and regularly complained to
my husband about playing time. Can you believe it?” she asked.
Regrettably, I can. Accelerating athletic development is merely the
latest trend in Americans’ obsessive desire to be first and best,
regardless of the cost.
Ralph Waldo Emerson cautioned Americans that while advancement is a
good thing, the rate must be consistently monitored or,’’we will not
ride the railroad, it will ride us.’’ Many parents now feel that the
train carrying young athletes is rolling by them at an Acela-like pace,
and if their kids don’t hop on board they’ll be left behind.
The evidence is all around us. Neighborhood teams have been
replaced by travel and elite squads. Dad’s backyard tosses have been
handed over to a pitching coach. The all-around, three-sport athlete
has become a dinosaur, replaced by the 12 month specialist. High school
coaches are becoming irrelevant; it’s the AAU coach who now matters.
Parents are shelling out thousands of dollars for equipment, private
instruction, showcases, and sports psychologists’ fees, and for what?
The less than 1% chance of a professional career in sports? The slim
hope of a college scholarship?
According to the NCAA, of 900,000 high school football players each
year, only 6% will make a college team, and of that number, only 2% will
be drafted into the NFL. The figures are roughly the same in
basketball, and these are the only sports where each team member is
awarded a scholarship. In Division I, only nine soccer, 11 volleyball,
and 11 baseball scholarships are available for the entire team.
Additionally, and contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as
a “full-ride.” A scholarship is for one year only and must be renewed.
True, most are, but none are guaranteed, and the number of college
athletes who give back their scholarships each year continues to grow,
prompting one frustrated athlete to write, “It’s Not an Adventure, It’s
Job.’’
To be good at anything requires passion and practice. Without the
passion, an athlete isn’t likely to put in the hours required to master
a sport. Truth is, the single most important factor necessary for
success at the highest level of sports is talent. Practice can
certainly help an athlete get better, and help him or her reach full
potential, but talent still wins the day, the scholarship, and the pro
career. It’s our kid’s passion, willingness to put the time into
practice and talent that matters, not ours.
I often hear parents say, “My kid is the best; he just needs to be
noticed.” Meanwhile, I hear coaches say all the time, “There are no
secrets in Division I. We don’t miss anyone.” As Sparky Anderson, a
highly successful major league manager once said, “If a kid can hit,
we’ll find him in a closet.” Of course as parents we are supposed to
think our kid is great – a great kid! A great kid who happens to play a
sport – a sport that reflects his interest and ability, but does not
define him. When the focus of sports participation is getting a
scholarship, the pressure on the athlete becomes enormous, and as
parents, our tunnel vision causes us to lose our perspective. Then we
become the over-the-top parents other parents whisper about. Our kids
are likely to be among the 75% of kids who give up on sports before
they’re 15. Before reaching that point, we need to step back and look
at the big picture.
A rational look at the risk-reward ratio would lead even the most
speculative investor among us to consider the following NCAA release:
There are $1 billion in athletic scholarships available each year.
There are $22 billion in academic scholarships. Do the math. Is it
worth investing our money in private coaching, travel teams, and
showcases when the statistics show that the possibility of winning a
scholarship is so minimal while the reality is that we will lose
countless hours at home with the entire family, including those that
aren’t interested in sports. That’s a question we need to answer before
we check into some motel in a city or state we’d never travel to by
choice for a weekend tournament.
As parents we can’t just say, “We got caught up in the momentum,”
or that “We got sucked into the process,” of accelerating kids into the
current sports culture. No one has a gun to our heads. We shouldn’t
abrogate our responsibility to decide what’s best for our children. We
can, and must, reexamine the direction in which others are seducing us
to follow. Before we know it, as a buddy of mine said, “ESPN will be
conducting the embryonic draft!”
We know that sports can teach our kids many valuable lessons. What
do they learn from seeing us disparage and belittle referees, berate and
badger coaches, insist on providing our post-game analysis? All because
we don’t want anyone to derail their ride to elite sports status?
When I give a talk to high school athletes, and I have given
hundreds, I always ask them, “What do you want from sports?” Usually
they respond, “To be able to compete,” “To have fun with my friends,” or
“To just fit in at school.” When I ask them, “What do you want from
your parents?” they say, “To support me; to let me make my own
decisions; and most of all, to stop pressuring me and my coach.” THAT
is what most kids want.
John McCarthy, retired teacher and high school and college coach,
currently teaching at Montclair State University is co-founder of the
Institute for Coaching and Center for Sports Parenting at the Yogi Berra
Museum and Learning Center.